“Addiction” by Art By Grahms
The shame is debilitating.
So long 2020, hello good friend New Year Resolutions!
1/1/21
This is not what I want to be doing right now. I’d like to take a nap and maybe do this later. But, I made a promise to be more accountable for the life I want for myself and my family. I owe it to this one shot I have at this life to make it everything I’d ever hoped it would be- long, healthy and happy. Instead, I’m spending my time trying to quit an addiction. What a waste. The money, the moments, the finite number of breaths we’ll ever take in this world, choked and clouded from an addiction to nicotine.
Today, as with all times I’ve attempted this, I’ve done well. No cigs. I have a nagging sensation that my recovery from this addiction is somehow hurting my kids. That my time in isolation is having a negative impact on my little guys. They seem to be having fun, doing the same thing they’ve done most of 2020, screens. Nevertheless, I’d prefer to be seen as lazy and tired instead of bitchy and crazy.
The scariest part about this whole process, aside from potentially failing, is the discomfort I feel for committing to deleting the addiction and adding in the good stuff, like writing, social media, music, holiday light shows, cleaning, etc., etc. I should welcome the light-headed and lost feeling of withdrawal, as it means I’m filling the time with doing things that I love and that are good for me and my family. Yet, I constantly think about how to reward myself after accomplishing the tasks. No cigs? Why bother doing it then. I know how the endorphins feel after a good walk or jog. Yet, I don’t want to leave bed. The idea of clearing my head for mindfulness is my ideal reaction to the dying of the addiction nerve pathways. However, I’m unable to let go of all the thoughts. Put them out of my head. I did do it once today while folding laundry. I thought about nothing other than the socks in my hands. Some were stretchy, some were losing elasticity. It lasted only a few seconds before I thought about how to reward myself for completing the basket of clothes.
My reward was lunch. I haven’t eaten more than kid scraps and beer since the start of the quarantine. Today, instead of smoking, I made myself 2, perfectly grilled, cheese sandwiches, and a hot bowl of wedding soup. Since my belly is full, I now want to complete the satisfaction cycle with a cig. I really don’t want that, so I’ll deliver my accountability letter before taking a nap.
Some of the things on my mind for this evening – dinner, family time, new bedtime routines. Sounds simple, but when connected to a reward system, my head is constantly in a loop of work/reward, thinking/planning, and the thinking is about the wrong stuff. I’m very uncomfortable in my own body. I know it’s good and natural to feel this way, but my head is thinking of ways to cheat. How can I smoke, keep it a secret, and not die from it? I’m disappointed in myself for thinking this way. It’s not rational. I’m not a huge fan of the rush from secrecy. I’m a 45yo mom who wants life to be doing bad things and it never catching up with me. Shit doesn’t work like that! I feel so stupid for knowing these facts, yet still trying to rationalize them away.
You know it’s been a good day for quitting when you have all this turmoil inside of you, and you don’t have a cig to quiet the voices. Perhaps I’ll reward myself with a nice, cleansing bath. Sounds like a tiny twinkle of light at the end of today’s tunnel.