1/2/21

 I woke up thinking about smoking.  I ate lunch and thought about my cig for dessert.  Had to meditate for 10 minutes and realized the craving went away before the 10 minutes was over.  Can’t say how long it took because my mind was a total blank.  Today was a very hard day.  It’s like clouds have settled in behind my eyes, in my sinuses, in the front part of my head.  I guess this is what it feels like to kill brain pathways when you’re sober.  I’d much rather be drunk, so I’d have an excuse for feeling this way.  So thankful this isn’t a heroine addiction.  I can’t imagine my entire body feeling this way.

 My kids are occupied and I’m sitting here thinking about how shitty I feel.  Shitty for doing this to myself (again), for the wasted time not being the best I can be, and for rewarding myself with cigs instead of something healthy.  I remember the reading about a guy who, using mindfulness, switched from cigs to strawberries.  1 simple replacement to focus on while doing the work of clearing his mind.  It’s really, really hard not thinking about anything.  It’s because of the chemical engineering of nicotine and tobacco that I have to make this additional effort to achieve my best self.

 It’s only temporary.  I have a life set up conducive to making positive change.  These thoughts are passing.  The benefits are everlasting.  So silly of me to choose the comfortable addiction over the uncomfortable what-I-really-want.  I keep reminding myself that, as with any good cleaning, shit gets messier before it get’s done.  You pull the stuff off shelves, clean the shelves themselves, get rid of the stuff that doesn’t “bring you joy”, clean the remaining and put it back.  Ahh, just thinking about that feeling when it’s done – life is a little bit easier, fresher and cleaner!

But look at me, fighting within myself to clean up my own life.  I talk to my smoking half out loud.  Try to rationalize with it.  It sounds so embarrassingly desperate.  It makes no sense.  It’s very sneaky.  It’s me though.                

All in all, another successful day.  Bought the family skis, shopping high kicked in.  Had the family car ride home and felt a bit grumpy.  I’m so surprised by the fact that I was able to be and sound engaged with everyone today.  I really do feel not myself, and I’m afraid of the days to come.  As I’ve got to stay as comfortable as I can in the process, I don’t want the accountability part to feel as if it controls me, so I will continue a letter / journal entry, once a day, but on my terms.  I’ve got plenty to write about, lots of journaling that was lost in the rest of life’s baggage.  But the delivery.  I want to do email, but I hear getting fresh air and exercise reduces the time it takes to heal.  So, I promise myself a hand delivery.  Can’t say when during the day.  Will have to do electronic for a week from the ski resort, but that’s because I’m getting the best kind of exercise!  I can’t wait!  Will be weird with no beer, but whatever.